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17 Feb

2017

Musings of a lost heart, a novel by Shivani Srivastava

  • Shivani Srivastava    
  • Author    
You wake from the kind of dead sleep that you only seem to achieve when there is nothing more you can give to the world: when you are drained emotionally and physically. Your eyes snap open at the exact moment you wish they hadn't, because for the first time in awhile, you were going to get what you want: that kiss, the promotion, the vacation. Life doesn't work that way. It isn't easy, nor is it fair, and just when you can't seem to fall any further, it kicks you over the cliff and the free fall is set into motion. There's something beautiful in that, something raw about experiencing such intense agony, for a split second you feel as though there has never been a moment where you've felt so broken. "Pain Demands to be Felt," the Fault in Our Stars.

While there is something inexplicably alluring to falling prey to this pain, there is something equally as enticing when you realize that you've felt this pain before, and you know it will eventually fade. The hole in your chest will start to close. Air will fill your lungs again so you can breathe. Your heart will go from searing pain to a dull numbness, and with time, that too shall heal.

We can sit around all day, and tell those around us how easy it is to let go of all the hurt, but we can't for one moment do that for ourselves. We become so bogged down in getting through each day, that soon enough that day is a month, or 2 years. You can no longer see light at the top of the chasm you've fallen into. This is where I am, at the bottom of some hole that I dug for myself. For so long I've stuck here, alone and afraid, but I know there must be a way out. I have slowly begun to climb way out, literally climb.

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